Why do I seek something that is not within me?

I have to bring back my centre to within SELF rather than let it be influenced by the outside forces.

Man ko kabu karma hia! Man lakh khwaishen karta hai, lakh cheese chahta hai. Lekin hume man ko bhojan dekar use tript nahin karma chahiye, kyunki who fir koi aur chaha aapke saamne rakhega. Fir aap uski chah purni karne main apni zindgi gavandenge, aur fir tab tak samay haath se nikal jayega.

So you need to be focused darling.

What are your life’s aims and aspirations, just keep your eyes on those, rest is transitory.

It would go by like sand from the clasped hands.

You will never be alone, because you have yourself to rely on.

MATTERS OF HEART...

 Have I given too much of myself to him?

There was a time when he used to express his love so much that it used to be beyond my comprehension.

And now the time is such that I feel an utter need to be with him and speak to him and he is not there.

What is this about the male psyche? When they are sure that they have the person they want completely, they just sit and relax easy. Work done. No more effort or exploring required.

This feeling left me restless and frustrated and to top it all, angry.

Why can’t stupid women be more like men?

Get them addicted to you and then tell them to go on a diet! That’s the policy men use.

So, the ball is in your court now. Would you play by the same rules as men or continue whining about your own rules not being followed?

 OR leave the game altogether and live in your own safe world!

THE DAY OF THE INTERVIEW...

There are two incidences I would like to share.

 The first one goes like this:

I was called for an interview to a far off place away from the city where I live. I was not even sure if I would be able to make it there.

Then there was this close friend of mine who not only guided me on as to how to reach my destination but also helped to prepare me for the interview.

Then there was another nice person I had called for help and who tried to help as far as was possible. I was surprised by sheer selflessness of these people.

Even the auto-waalaha who had taken me there was ready to wait for me during the interview. But I had paid almost double the amount for that journey, so it almost negated his good-will??

So I went into the reception area and like other candidates sat there waiting for my turn.

I struck up a conversation mostly to know if someone was from my part of city so that we could travel back together. The group kept on becoming larger and larger. The people were from varied backgrounds. There was a sense of openness I felt.

There was another female candidate sitting right opposite to me, and we decided to head back home together. Then, a turban clad young man came out of the interview room. We all stopped talking and looked at him. He waited for something like a few seconds and blurted, “If there’s anything regarding interview you would like to know?” And we all bombarded him with questions. He answered them good humouredly while seating himself comfortably on a chair. Then I took out a bottle of fanta coz it was a searingly hot day with hot winds blowing by. He suddenly said, “You know, you must never drink an orange coloured drink before an interview!

 I felt like a child caught in the wrong act. I looked at the bottle as if it contained some hallucinogenic agent and wondered the same. I might even affect my performance in the interview!

I could not contain myself, so I asked him all bothered, “Why so?”

He said, “Kynki jab aap interview dene jaate hai toh apki tongue and lips orange ho jaate hai!” and hearing this, I could not help laughing. I was going all hahaha right outside the office from where maybe I could be easily heard or seen!

Once the interview was over, another guy suggested that since he had brought his car he would drop us in the city. I somehow managed to send the auto-waalaha back, I felt a little guilty but the prospect of saving money was alluring.

So the three of us, two of us females and the turban clad young man went downstairs. Then he offered to take me back home on his bike since he was going to an area nearer to my place. I accepted his offer and thanked him for the same.

Then the three of us chatted as if we had always known each other even though we still had not even introduced ourselves. And during the conversation I heard myself giggling in a way that is done only in front of people I know and am comfortable with. I was quite surprised.

Then we parted company knowing that we may never see each other again but also knowing that this meeting was wonderful. The way we felt closest to the strangers.

Then the two of us headed back on bike. I soon got used to the hot wind and my burning skin.

And I was completely oblivious to the fact that someone was actually in front of me driving the bike. He also must have felt a sort of silence and asked me if I was still there. I answered in affirmative. Then he said something and I again giggled in a manner as if he were a close friend of mine. He was to drop me at a particular spot, I was not sure if he would ask me for my contact number. He didn’t and I was not surprised. Somehow I knew it. 

I have seen guys who do you favor coz  they want something in return, but he was not one of those. I thanked the almighty coz there are still a few people who are selfless in their acts and do not expect anything in return but a good company for that moment.

I hope this narrative helped to reaffirm our faith in the humanity in a small way.

I’ll write another incident later on. Right now, I’ll sign off. 

a new job...

  

I had a great opportunity to work with a different organisation.

The sphere of work would have been different and more enriching than my present work.

But there was a block and that was the salary. it was certainly lower than the salary I would get

as a result of a recent increment. That put me in a serious thinking mode. i was almost ready to chuck my present job. Then i realised what an ass i had made of myself. I could not negotiate my salary with them. also instead of serving three months' notice period at my current job, i was ready to serve only one. that at cost of paying them two months' salary.

consultations with some friends made me see the light.

also a sexist remark made by my would be employee had left me tongue tied.

according to him, being a girl, and having no one dependent on me, i should not be much bothered about my remunerations. suddenly an ad which is taking rounds of our tv network came to my mind, where the boss made similar remarks when a lady walked up to him asking for an increment. and i thought would i be able to work with such a person and an organisation?

I HOPE THIS YEAR BRINGS IN NEW BEGINNINGS AND NEWER POSSIBILITIES...

SONE KI MURGI...

   

  Ek thi sone ki murgi jo deti thi anda,

   par pad gaya uske sar pe ek danda!

   Kehta mustanda,

   De ek aur anda!

      De ek aur anda!  

  Sadly, that was our country centuries ago,

  greed and cowardice, made us slaves first under Muslims

 and then the English.

 But now, the state of affairs is no better. 

The ministers vying to outshine 

each other in garnering the vote bank.

 The kind of tricks they would use, is pretty disgusting and nauseating.

What with promoting infiltration from Bangladesh, making our borders porous 

 to mass reservation policies, leaving the deserving candidates in lurch.

 Whatever little they do, they have started advertising it by their names as if they are using their hard earned money.

 Take it re-working of a park or putting up the bus stops, you can see the names of ministers of that constituencies written over there.

 What to say, it's like termites eating the wood from inside, making the structure hollow.

 It looks fine until one day it just collapses!

 What can we do as citizens? see this state of being and feel helpless or frustrated?

 Or is this an action time fellas?

THE STARRY NIGHT...

 Oh starry night!

With stars blinking with all their might.

Envelope me in your arms,

Like a shroud of the silken night.

Like a soft breeze you whisper in my ears,

For our togetherness for all the coming years.

I gaze into your eyes,

And see the desire burning high.

I lay my head on your heart,

Beating with the rhythm of love that would last.

 I close my eyes,

And utter a sigh,

And drift into a contented sleep.

Then suddenly I wake up from my dream,

Your face vanishes like the morning mist.

I search for thee, 

Running and stumbling.

Are you a figment of my imagination?

Or did I really see your deep dark sparkling eyes?

Smiling and egging me on,

To do the mischief like never before!

                                                                                                                                   self composed

searching for...

 i STILL HAVEN'T FOUND WHAT I AM LOOKING FOR...

These lines aptly describe me current state of being.

 i am still searching. the thirst still remains unquenched.

there's a burning desire within me to achieve something in this lifetime.

Patience is the key word pour moi! [:)]

patience ..the sweet patience...

Self composed

 this is something i want to understand about myself.

 

 I am supposed to be an emotional person, but it is an emotional black out i am faceing.

 the people who are close to my heart are also the ones whom i cn stay away from. how and why? i ask myself.

why have i become stone like, unmoved by other's pain and need for me?

 as if life goes on...whether someone is present in your life or not!

but would it? the true value one realises when one looses that one cherished thing forever.

i would not want that to happen to me, can not even think of pain i would have to undergo. it still shows my selfish streak, worrying about my future grief.

but what about today, when the people whom i love are still with me by the grace of god, why am i not able to cherish their limited presence in my life?

i still have lot to learn in life...but one thing i need to learn is to put other's interests above mine, otherwise, i would writhe forever in pain and melancholy.

god, here's my prayer to you, please open up my heart! let me not be afraid 'to love, to give and to feel the occasional pain'!

cherish love give...

these words convey a lot of meaning.

i hope from now on, i look at things with a different perspective...a fresh and a loving approach!

amen!

FRIEND HAVE YOU CHANGED?

Since you have come back,
i feel things different about you.

What has changed i wonder,
the bylanes that meander?

Your words are sharp as a sting,
To which my heart would not sing.

I wish your old self was here again,
So that we can walk together in arms again.

Life is nothing but a dream,
I do not want to wake up one day and scream.

Oh! Where are you my friend?
Since you came back to me.

self composed

 Today after so long, i finally decided to pen a few thoughts.

and it is emptiness i feel at the moment. not knowing exactly what to write.

The futility of things around me does not escape my notice.

'The purpose of life' is one quest that has been sought after for so long.

people are born, eat, play,sleep, grow, study, work, reproduce, lie, cheat, destroy. and the life goes on!

what a waste of such a beauty around us and god's effort to give us a beautiful life.
have we compensated peace and tranquility with the comforts and luxuries of our times?
How i wish to live in a place close to the nature, with nothing to eat but fruits fresh from the trees, and cold, sweet fresh water to drink!

and meditate....

THE MUNDANE

this is something i just wanted to pen down without much of contextual credence at the moment.

it's one of the things I have learnt in life.

Around three years back, almost everyday i used to come back home from my evening course classes. I used to have so much time on my hands during the journey to think about various things, some mundane and some of importance. But I was gripped by those thoughts which were very painful. Day after day, the pattern used to start, filled with self pity. I used to brood on and on without pausing to think if it would really help me in some way, rather, I was detroying myself mentally.
then one fine day, on such a journey through the treacherous routes of the mind, I suddenly realised, I am actually relishing the idea of being pain. Wait. you would say, how is it possible? How can anyone enjoy being in pain? but if you all stop and think, you would understand that this is what happens to most of us.
We cling to things which give us pain, as if our very survival is based on their contemplation. We seem to relish self pity and the feeling of helplessness.

From then on, anytime I found myself wandering in the by lanes of pain, I have tried to put brakes. And yes, it does help. It's mind playing games on you and making you his slave.
We ought to decide for ourselves, that we are the masters and not the slaves!

PUNJAB MEMOIRS...

Of One Self-Slain

WHEN he went blundering back to God,
His songs half written, his work half done,
Who knows what paths his bruised feet trod,

What hills of peace or pain he won?
I hope God smiled and took his hand,
And said, “Poor truant, passionate fool!
Life’s book is hard to understand:
Why couldst thou not remain at school?” Charles Hanson Towne

Many a times I do not understand the workings of a human mind. It seems to have an 'on' and 'off' switch.
last night I was in a state of deep turmoil. urging myself to be in control. But it did not work. At that very moment a friend needed my urgent assistance.
I could have just stayed on in my room and maybe brooded or cried over it, but instead I went to her.
The next moment when I was back, lo and behold, my emotional self had taken over again.
How we put on masks and how we hide behind the masks is the thing i contemplate on. And last but not the least, the need for a mask is what that amazes me. The colour white in the daylight and the colour black at night. Is it some sort of a camouflage? Are we so scared of ourselves that we can not face our true selves?

RANDOM THOUGHTS

These are the things i thought about, mostly while travelling alone.

One thing that always pains me is the shrinking agricultural land. Now it would be very mean of me to question why agricultural lands are being sold by the farmers. The reason is very simple...absence of profit!
I see shopping malls squatting where golden crops were cultivated once. The greed and the burgeoning population are usurping the land to sheer commercialisation.
But have we ever given thought for a moment to the fact 'where would food come from?'
The rising food prices bear a testimony to this fact. I hope we realize it before it's too late to act upon.

I strained my ears to hear the music playing softly,

It was not outside,

But inside the music was playing.

THE MORNING LIGHT

The golden light spreads through the sky,

Slowly blushing like a maiden who’s shy.

The dew drops glisten like droplets of pearl,

On the grass so green.

With people waking up from their dreams.

A song fills the sky,

With a cool breeze blowing by.

Then comes the Sun riding high on its golden chariot,

With the stars running for shelter

Under its compatriot.

The moon loses its sheen and charm,

That it bestowed with vanity,

Through the night so dark.

And now it becomes ever so humble.

The warmth transcends from the sky

Into the very being.

The flowers lose their hesitancy,

And open up to receive the divine blessings.

Quenching their thirst for the nectar that resides

Deep inside.

The dull brown earth becomes a

A myriad of colours and fragrances,

Instilling the desire for beauty and tranquility.

The river water gushes by,

Like crystals in a flow.

Making the morning light its own.

With the fish dancing to its magical tunes.

With an angelic halo around their peaks.

The glorious mountains heave a sigh of relief,

For the dark velvet has ascended down deep.

The meditative silence of the yogis

Reverberates through the universe,

Adding on to the vibrancy so diverse.

And I, a silent spectator

Can not help but smile,

For it has filled me with a divine delight.

composed by: sonal

A RAINY DAY

It was a rainy day, and I was already late for my bus.

As it is even in the best areas of Delhi, the roads were flooded with water. Instead of asking anyone to drop me at the bus stop, I ventured out myself not wanting to trouble anyone.

But then, I had not envisioned what was going to soon happen.

As I moved out, there was no place to tread; the roads were fully submerged in water.

But a stupid voice within me told me that I can make it.

I tried finding puddle less spaces, but my expensive shoes were completely soaked with water by that time. I couldn’t decide whether to move on in this mindless fashion or go back. But going back didn’t appeal to me, so I moved on. Then I saw raised surface and put my foot forward on it.

SPLASH!!!

NEXT MOMENT I WAS WAIST DOWN IN WATER!

A concerned uncle ji came running towards me asking me if I was alright. And I was still in shock to truly recognize the gravity of my situation.

I looked around myself and slowly realized that I had straight on stepped into the water filled ditch. The anger and frustration took hold of me. My fresh clean clothes got wet and muddy.

I was so furious that I decided to go ahead to my workplace. (Now even thinking of it makes me laugh!)

Then my sane mind took over. I was just thinking about various possibilities after coming out of the ditch, all undignified and wet, that I received a message on my cell phone, which was something like this: “good morning, have a great day ahead”!

Huh! The irony of the situation could not escape my notice.

I very coolly replied that I fell into the ditch!

Then I went back home and hurriedly changed into fresh clothes and fortunately was not late for my work!